My Story, by Harleis mummy, Thereze.

written april 2009.

Broken Heart?


It was the 25th January, 2005. I was late. "Do you think I'm pregnant?" I asked Lee.
"Dunno," he replied. "Wha’d you think?"
Excited and anxious to find out, I went to buy a pregnancy test.
“It’s positive,” I whispered these words so softly and quietly. After the news had sunk in we went wild with excitement.

After 8 weeks I’d seen a doctor who confirmed it. Shortly afterwards I told everybody. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I was going to burst. Both our families were so happy for us.

March 2005- my first scan. Wow, I saw my baby and everything was fine, I went home with a smile on my face and lots pictures of my unborn baby. I had a date to look forward to. The 1st October 2005, I couldn’t wait.

The time soon came for my next scan when was going to ask the sex of my baby. I had really been hoping for a girl, but was so sure I was having another boy, so I was elated to be told I had a little girl. Straight away I went out and bought lots of girly things. I bought pink clothes, pink bottles, pink dummies and pink toys. I was so happy.

“Is it me or have I been pregnant forever?” I asked Lee a few weeks before my due date. I just really wanted my baby and was fed up with waiting. I saw my midwife about two weeks before my due date. “You can go any time now!” she told me. I was ecstatic.
“Is that why I’ve had so much energy, and why she’s stopped kicking me so much?”
“Yeah, they tend to settle down in the last weeks, it’s nothing to worry about.”
So I didn’t worry, as everything was fine.

A week later, after a day out, I was worried. I couldn’t remember my baby kicking that day. I rang the hospital straight away and I was told to go in. In a worried wreck I went, hoping my baby was just having a rest. I went straight through, with Lee by my side and was put on a monitor. A few seconds later, the beautiful beating of my baby’s heart filled the room. Lee squeezed my hand so tight. We didn’t say anything. We didn’t have to. After 15 minutes I was sent home. “Everything is fine.” The midwives kept on repeating. I felt I had been wasting their time. They made me feel so silly, but at least I knew my baby was healthy. I could relax and wait for her to come.

My due date arrived, and I was in labour. The memories of the pain came flooding back from when I had Jaeden, but I didn’t care, I was so giddy and excited. I had been dreaming of this for months and finally it was going to happen. I had rung the hospital and told to hang around at home for a while. So I did, until the pains grew worse and we thought it best to go straight in. Hospital bags at the ready, Lee drove us to the hospital. We went to the labour ward with smiles on our faces like Cheshire cats.

In a plain white room we sat, a clean fresh smell wafting up through my nose. In came the midwife who put me onto the monitor. “This one must be broke,” she smiled. She went off to get a new one. I could hear the sounds of rubber soles on the floor, trolleys being pushed, voices mumbling. It sounded so busy. Back she came, in a hurry. “Here we go, let’s try again!” she said, trying to get her breath back. She put me on the monitor. Nothing happened. This one was broken too. It must be.
She rushed out in the middle of me asking her what was wrong.
“Everything’s ok babe.” Lee tried to reassure me.
“Promise?” I replied.
“Yeah,” he answered, trying his best to not look worried, but I knew him, and I knew he was.
In came a doctor. She scanned me. “Your baby’s heart has stopped.”


I’m trying to express in these words how it feels to have your heart ripped out in just one moment. I went from a feeling of such immense joy and happiness to a shock of absolute darkness, tragedy and trauma.
I cried, then I screamed, then I cried and I kept on crying.

Harlei Junior Cannon was born at 8:15pm on 1st October 2005. I finally held my beautiful baby girl. I held her all night. I never wanted to let her go. I fell in love with her. Her tiny hands, her jet black hair, her perfect face.

I spent the next few days with my angel; I brought her home and never left her side. I cuddled her, kissed her and I told her how much I loved her.

The worst day of my life was to come; it was creeping up on me so fast I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t want to let her go. I wasn’t even nearly ready for that, but I knew I had to.............

So now I know what a broken heart is, because I’m living with one.

                             

Harlei, Spread your wings and fly,
With the other angel babies in the sky